“Whiskey and sex.”

“I like it when you talk dirty.”

On Dick Pics.

I will never understand dick pics.

Guys who send dick pics to girls obviously know nothing about how females work, and are quite clearly not worth any lady’s time. Women are not as visual as men. Sure, men may love receiving a raunchy photo of a girl, because they love seeing the T&A. Women, however, are less turned on by visuals. Send me a dick pic, and I’ll shrug it off. Tell me what you’re going to do to me, though? I’ll get so excited, I’ll squirm with pleasure and count down until those actions may become realized.

Last week I went on a date with a guy from an online dating site. He was a total babe - beardy and tattooed. He was fucking hilarious, too. I liked spending time with him, but I wasn’t sure if the interest was mutual. Whatever. The next night, though, he texted me a simple “what’s up?” and later asked if I wanted to hang out. Fortunately/unfortunately I already had plans that night, which included a house guest sleeping on my couch, so I explained that I couldn’t really do much. But then.. BAM.

15 minutes later I get a text, look down at my phone, and immediately put it back in my pocket. That was a dick. Definitely a dick. What? Why? I don’t want to see that shit. Penises are ugly as hell. Do you think sending me a picture of your dick is going to change my mind? Cancel my plans? Abandon my guest?

This dude is obviously an idiot.

And ever since, I receive a text from him about every other day in the wee hours of the morning asking me to come over.

Jesus, at least show some effort in trying to get me in bed. Take me out to dinner and a fucking movie and charm the hell out of me. Dick pics and 3am booty calls though? Not gonna happen.

Moving on.

I checked into the bar I was at tonight on Foursquare and recognized the mayor.

“Is that… is that the guy I brought home with me Saturday night?” I thought to myself.

And it was. I banged the mayor of that popular bar. Is that some sort of honor?

I’m going to steal his mayorship.